Tumbling Through the Rabbit Hole...
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In other news..

Posted by Haisla Sunday, 28 September 2014 6 comments

I've got an interview for a new job!!!

I am super nervous and excited.

I had literally given up this job as dead and buried since it took them more than two weeks to invite me for an interview after their closing date. I had done the psychological pep talk about how it was probably for the best and 'not meant to be' and how there were probably a ton of very high quality candidates (the job pays more than my current one with less responsibility - eeeep) and that in the greater scheme of things it would probably have been horrible to have had to negotiate the terms and conditions for an IVF cycle with a new employer.

And yet here I am with an interview (and an informal visit to boot tomorrow) lined up in two weeks' time.

I don't want to think too much about the future since the job is certainly not in the bag yet, but I am nervous either way. Luckily I still have my 'oh, well, it's probably for the best' self-spiel tugged away for a  later date, but I genuinely don't quite know what will happen if I do get this job..

I don't think it's realistic that I will be able to squeeze an IVF cycle out of the NHS in the next three months (which is the length of my notice period).. and yet I don't think I could be so brazen as to ask for time off for an IVF in my first few weeks in a new job..

Shitety-shit-shit. And I really would like this job. As said the money would be better, the job is far less stressful and far less high-risk (i.e. with less chaotic client group) and it's in an area of the field that I have genuine interest in.

However, if I do get offered this job and take it, will I be sacrificing my small window of opportunity for a biological family (by having to postpone IVF treatments potentially by months)? And if I don't get this job will I be doing the same by being in a high-stress job that is certainly not conducive to me getting pregnant?

Oh, the dilemmas of the developed world.

I have decided to take the 'que sera, sera' attitude for now, as I can't really affect the outcome of this scenario (apart from turning down the interview, which I am not going to do..).

Anyway, in a more directly infertility related news, we're approx. one week away from our fourth and final IUI cycle (I've got a feeling we may have missed the ovulation window this month - the progesterone may have made my last cycle seem longer than it actually was and eaten a few cycle days from this cycle, so when we finally managed to have some bedroom action I fear it may have been in vain for baby making purposes) after which we should hopefully have the talk with our Doc about moving on to IVF-land.

I've also started spotting on CD 17 (three days after supposed ovulation, so certainly not implantation bleed) so something's rotten in the state of my uterine lining, which I am going to discuss with Dr Dutchess when I see her in couple of weeks' time..

I am still toying with the idea of getting some immunology testing done (I've ordered and started reading 'Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?: Unexplained Infertility, Miscarriage and IVF Failure, Explained' by Alan E. Beer et al from Amazon that comes highly recommended in relation to this - I'll probably write another post about it soon) before we embark on the NHS paid IVF, just to maximise our chances. I know the immunology stuff is highly controversial, but I am still convinced that my endometriosis and immune system have something to do with our lack of babies.

The problem is that the testing is fairly expensive (we're talking thousands of pounds here) and the treatments are fairly pricey too. I would just like to speak to someone who is an expert in the field and try to get a sense of which tests might be useful.. Obviously I will go in with some cynicism attached as even the best infertility clinics are in the business of making money and therefore potentially likely to recommend the most expensive tests and treatments to everyone that walks through their doors. Hopefully I am savvy enough these days to smell a rat and a well rehearsed sales-speech a mile away..

But for now I better go do some research on my potential new employer so that I can approach tomorrow's informal visit with the required levels of knowledge and inquisitiveness.

Not even a squinter

Posted by Haisla Sunday, 7 September 2014 7 comments

N.B. I wrote this post on Thursday, just didn't have the energy to proof read it and post it until now..

First of all I wanted to thank yous all for your kind and encouraging comments on my last post. It is so heartening to know that there are people out there rooting for me through thick and thin. Your support means the world to me. 

It's 13DPIUI and the day that my period would normally arrive (with my 26 day cycles). The good news is that the progesterone has kept the usual spotting at bay. The bad news is that I POAS this morning and got nothing, not even a squinter. The test said it would be 99% accurate on the day of your period, so I suppose I still have a 1% chance of being pregnant HA HA..

I'm sorry, I don't mean this post to be overtly negative, but you know how it is.. It's hard to find much happiness in a BFN. Shockingly I am not too down or disappointed, just more like.. meh, it's not like this hasn't happened before. I'm sure the tears will come yet, but for now I'm pretty zen about it.

The truth of the matter is that I don't feel the least bit pregnant. And for me it's quite unusual to be with zero symptoms during the TWW.

But the problem is that this cycle basically leaves me with more questions than answers:

1. Did I ovulate at all or were all of my three follicles duds?

2. If I did ovulate, did anything fertilise?

3. If anything fertilised did it attempt to implant - did it succeed?

4. If the serious twinges I was feeling at 10 DPIUI were indeed due to implantation did my uterus somehow reject the embryo and were the excruciating cramps involved? Is it endometriosis? Is it immunology issues? Is it the juno particle? Were the stars not aligned and mercury not rising?

See, this is why IUI cycles suck.

So little information can be gleaned, so little can be learnt.

And it frustrates me because I want some answers!!! I want to know and understand so that I can fix and repair. And I know that shouldn't be my job, but since my doctors seem so uninterested in actually finding out what is wrong, I feel like I'm left to do the detective work myself.. Or perhaps it's too early for that. Perhaps I am meant to be waiting till my IVF cycle until we get some answers and for now just allow the doctors to continue shooting in the dark through our final injectible IUI cycle next month..

Post script:
Today I just feel sad. I've POAS'd and had two BFN's in two successive days (one of them even spelling it out 'not pregnant' in case I hadn't gotten the hint). So I stopped progesterone yesterday and have started spotting today. The reason I am sad, is that in my mind this month was our best chance so far of getting pregnant (the stars aligning and all), but it didn't work out. So I'll mourn a little and then I'll move on. I think in some ways the NHS-mandated one month break may be good for me - it gives my heart some time to mend in-between the cycles..

Cancel Hope

Posted by Haisla Monday, 1 September 2014 5 comments

Last night, having just written a blog post about allowing hope in again, I woke up to the worst uterine cramping that I've experienced in a long while.

I'd still been twinging most of the evening in the same spot, but in the dead of the night this twinging turned into an almighty 'contraction'. It literally felt like my uterus was trying to expel whatever might have been trying to implant itself there (even if the 'whatever' had been just a figment of my imagination burrowing itself into that lush lining). And from the silence in my uterus this morning I reckon that my uterus won the battle.

So my wholly unscientific conclusion is that I must suffer from some kind of implantation failure (yes, yes, I am a pro when it comes to self-diagnosis - Dr Google is literally my middle name). If progesterone cannot stop me from rejecting an embryo (I was toying with the hypothesis of luteal phase defect, which I would say has now been disproven) then my next hypothesis is the above. I know, I know, clutching straws here..

There could be two reasons for this though, a) my eggs are crap and cannot produce good quality embryos so my uterus rightfully rejects them b) there is some kind of an immune issue going on here. Either of the two could be caused by my endo..

I am now going to go and google how to treat immunology issues during IVF, just in case. Perhaps if that is the issue I should try to get tested privately before we embark on an NHS funded round of IVF and perhaps if needed could get an immunology treatment added to my NHS funded cycle privately, as in one the side. You know, covering all of one's bases and stuff..

So here is where I stand today. Pretty certain this cycle is a bust, but armed with plans for future attack.