Tumbling Through the Rabbit Hole...
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I would be 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant..

Posted by Haisla Sunday, 12 July 2015 1 comments

..had I not miscarried at 7wk4days.

As miscarriages go, it was actually fairly uneventful once it got started (as so many of you assured me in response to my last post).

For those looking for info on miscarriage experiences I will just do a short run down (this will contain some TMI content, so if you're easily repulsed, look away now) on how things unfolded. I know how horrible it is to stand at the brink of your very first miscarriage and not know what to expect. If you are here because of that, my heart goes out to you. This is my experience, yours may vary, but just know that you are not alone.

I had one final scan just before I had to make my way to the airport where M. was waiting with our luggage (we were flying to my native Finland the same day). Thankfully the Doc could not see anything untoward either in my uterus (i.e. baby hadn't really even got started developing before his/her demise) nor in my fallopian tubes or surrounding area, so I was sent off to catch our flight to Finland.

This was on Saturday. I had stopped progesterone on Wednesday and had started spotting on Friday.

On Monday morning the proper 'contractions' started. The worst of it only lasted about 5 minutes (although felt much, much longer). I was literally writhing on the bathroom floor white as paper and unsure whether I'd end up puking or pooping myself; I felt so shaky and weird I didn't know what to do with myself. Poor M was trying to get my hot water bottle done whilst frantically googling directions to the nearest hospital in case it was an ectopic bursting.

Thankfully it wasn't. It very much reminded me of my endo pain when it's at its worst. I haven't really suffered from that level of pain (thankfully) in years. The bleeding only started some hours later. I reckon, though, that the pain was more or less the endo being released from the placating grip of progesterone and rearing its ugly head again, as I've heard from others that miscarriages so early on in pregnancy are rarely that painful (I mean there's hardly anything to dispel at that stage).

The bleeding was moderate compared to my normal period, which surprised me. I sort of thought that since my womb lining had been unshed for longer than usual it would be released with greater vengeance. No such thing. Yes, I bled but it was fairly minor. The only difference was that it went on for longer than usual, approx. two weeks in total with all the spotting prior to and after.

It was horrible and sad, but at the same time I got to be with M. all that time and didn't need to worry about whether or not to take time off work. By the time I'd returned to work it was all over. I guess it's fair to say that I got off fairly easily.

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Anyway, it took me this long to be ready to write about it. I have been too busy to think about it too much, which has been a blessing in disguise. I've shed some tears, but over all gotten quite swiftly over it. And the reason I've been so very, busy, is actually really quite brilliant...

..I've been offered a new job and I will be starting in three weeks' time!

It all happened quite spontaneously. I think I may have mentioned that I was going for an interview round about the time all the IVF stuff was going on.

Well, lo and behold, I got through to the second round of interviews and was eventually selected for the post. When I was offered the job, I decided to come clean about our IVF journey and the possibility that I could be pregnant by the time I started, or needing time off for further treatments. I wanted them to have a way out (even though it would have been legally dubious) but also to negotiate this stuff from the word go so that there would be no nasty surprises further down the line. Talk about an awkward conversation. With the Director. Who is considerably older than I and a man. It was like discussing my period with a male relative. Squirm-worthy but unavoidable. He said, he'd have to pass it by the Trustees. Two hours later I got a phone call back; they'd decided to hire me anyway. Yay! Go me for being all adult and putting my assertive pants on.

So I handed in my notice and have been working my little a*se off for the past two and a half months, trying to tie up all the loose (and man are there many loose ends). It has been exhausting. I don't think I could have done this whilst pregnant, or would have run myself to the ground trying.

The new job is lovely. Boring as heck, but lovely. It's a charity that deals with fuel poverty. My new colleagues are lovely (there's only three of us in the office), the office in itself is lovely (as in purpose built, air-conditioned, the works), my work journey is lovely (20 minutes by bus or 15 minutes cycling - no more hours long journeys to work!), the working hours are lovely (9am-4pm, except Fridays when we finish at 12noon!). Compared to my current job, it'll be a doddle. In fact my new employers said that they are a little concerned that I "may get bored". I tried to assure them that I don't mind a bit of bored-ness especially not after the madness that I have endured with my current job. "And especially if it'll give me a better chance to get and pregnant and remain so" (I said to myself, not aloud, mind, I'm not a complete fool). It's much lower paid than my current job, but I have come to the conclusion that money is not everything. I would rather retain my sanity than hold on to a big pay package.

In other good news, M. too, got offered a new job a couple of weeks after I got my job offer. He'll still be working for the same employer, but in a different, office-based capacity. As a bit of a back story, he's suffered from a back injury for the past three years now and has been unable to fulfil his frontline role. He's therefore been office based, but at the risk of redundancy or being moved to another borough in London, potentially far further away from home for the past two years. It's like we've been waiting for the axe to fall. This new job is literally like a lottery win in the context of his profession. A colleague of his left an office-based IT role in a rush without giving the organisation much notice. They needed someone with the skills to fulfil the role asap and M, with his reputation as a bit of a computer wizard and requirement to remain office based, was ideal for the role. He was told about the move on a Friday and was in the new role the following Monday. He remains in the same location, just one floor up. He is now working 9-5, Monday to Friday and gets to take his Christmases off. This is literally almost unheard of in his line of work. And his job is safe. No more risk of redundancy. That source of anxiety is suddenly gone.

I hope I don't sound too smug when I say, that this all feels like our stars may finally be aligning. I mean none of this was really our own doing. I randomly (and rather leisurely) applied for an ideal job and when was offered it had the courage to take the leap of faith and accept it. And meanwhile M. gets (totally randomly) offered a Monday-Friday 9-5 job within a couple of weeks of my job offer. I mean what the heck!!? I couldn't make it up if I tried.

All these things happening make me wonder whether "the universe is [just] unfolding as it should" (to quote the Desiderata). Perhaps this is God working in His mysterious ways. We got our little glimmer of hope in May with our first ever positive pregnancy test and although it wasn't to be, at least we got to learn that we can get pregnant. When we start our next FET cycle (hopefully in Sept) I feel like we will both finally be in much better place emotionally, physically and just mentally to welcome a new life into the world.

I'm ready and actually quite excited about the future again and just a teeny-tiny little bit hopefully, that all may work out well in the end after all..