Tumbling Through the Rabbit Hole...
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FET accompli

Posted by Haisla Wednesday, 28 October 2015 0 comments

Actually we had the FET on Friday and I am now 5dp5dt.

I've been feeling so hormonally unbalanced (i.e. going through the dreaded emotional rollercoaster) that I haven't even been able to bring myself to post about the transfer until today. I've just been feeling really negative & pessimistic, until yesterday, when at 4dp5dt I finally started having some 'symptoms' (nausea, sore boobs, ravenousness, knackeredness, the usual). That however was short lived and today I'm feeling absolutely fine and normal again.

What really gets me, though, is that last time (when I actually was pregnant) I had some very specific symptoms that stood out from the TWWs past: 1) I went completely off my sugar-free chocolate bars, which are normally my favourite treat (like I properly could not stomach them) and 2) I gagged at the very smell of my favourite perfume and had to use it very, very sparingly. Those were my tell-tale signs that something was going on. No such symptoms this time around. Food seems to smell amazing to me (even meat), but that could easily just be the progesterone talking.

Anyway, the FET itself (like so much of this cycle) was most uneventful. I wore my snowflake socks in honour of our 5 day frozen snowflake that got transferred into my ute. It was a bit more uncomfortable this time around, but the discomfort could have been due to a trainee nurse bursting into the room as they were doing the mock transfer to ask a question of the senior nurse who was pressing the ultrasound wand against my poor over extended bladder. The senior nurse seemed most displeased about the disruption, as was I. But I think it was an emergency of situation, so I'll let the trainee nurse off the hook.  Thankfully once that little episode was over they got on with the actual transfer and it went as smoothly as anything. We even got a little photo as a souvenir:

That little blip in the middle is our precious snowflake. I hope he / she is still there and nuzzling in. And if that's the case that she / he will send us some strong messages - nausea, vomiting, I'll take anything at the moment.

Notes on a Scan(dal)

Posted by Haisla Saturday, 17 October 2015 0 comments

Well actually the scan itself went fine, with only one minor hiccup, to which I'll return later. More importably, the date for our transfer has been set for 23 October 2015.

I was given the choice to transfer on either Wednesday, Thursday or Friday, so I chose Friday. Even though I'm not looking forward to waiting even longer (and it is starting to feel like I've been waiting, like forever), it's great that we've now got the whole weekend to chill afterwards. I also wanted to make sure M. could take the time off work, as it would have really sucked if he hadn't been able to be there.

Re: hormones, I haven't had that many side effects from the meds since I started taking the little blue pills (no, not viagra) of oestrogen. The Buserelin on its own seems to send me bat s*it crazy, but the oestrogen balances it all out. The only side effects I've noticed are some mild nausea at night (I take the pills right before bed), feeling really hot (to the point of having to shed some layers) and having to get up to pee at least once a night (nothing new there, that will continue with the progesterone, too). Otherwise this combo of hormones seems to have suited me just fine. My endo symptoms have kept quiet, too, so I'm just hoping that means that these drugs have suppressed the beast.

Now to the scan(dal). I waited for what felt like an inordinate time for the scan (about 30 - 40 minutes, which for our clinic is quite unusual) only to find that they had lost our notes. Hmm.. what now? I thought that they had just been generally overbooked and running late, but I think they were actually just scrambling around looking for the missing file. That really didn't raise my confidence levels, even though so far I haven't had many complaints with the clinic. But instead of apologising and reassuring me that the notes would be found, the nurse kept on asking me whom I'd seen last time at the schedule appointment and whether they might still have our notes. Umm.. I don't know, I'm not a nurse, nor am I aware of your filing system.

Well, they had better find the file before next Friday and I certainly want them to find the right embryo (i.e. ours) to transfer into my uterus..

Anyway, the scan went ahead all the same and was mostly fine. The only minor concern (in my mind) was that my lining was only at 7.6mm. Even though the nurse said it was fine, in my mind it is a bit on the thin side. I'm sure during our last cycle it was around 9mm by now. It was triple layered, though, and the nurse called it beautiful, but I couldn't help feeling a little concerned.

I did some googling once I got home and found that different clinics have different standards regarding the thickness of the lining. The absolute minimum appears to be 6mm, some clinics want to ideally see it at 8, some at 10, some even 13.. I mean, I guess there's a few days for it to still thicken up, eh? If anyone's got any experience on this (esp. success stories are most welcome) I would appreciate any light you could shed on the matter. In the mean time I'm trying not to stress about any of the above. Zen is my aim.

In the next steps, I am to stop the nasal spray tomorrow (Sun) and start the progesterone suppositories twice a day, still continuing with the oestrogen pills until it's HPT time.

I'm just so sick of waiting now. Bring on Friday.

I'm still here..

Posted by Haisla Thursday, 1 October 2015 0 comments

For some reason it's been really quite hard to find things to say in here lately..

Perhaps it's because I've actually been out there in the real world enjoying life. Which has been kind of different and nice and necessary after the past three and a half years. It's been exhilarating not to fret, or obsess, or spend every living, breathing moment thinking about infertility. It can kind of suck life right out of you.

The awful thing about infertility is that as soon as I've gotten myself back together after a setback (say a failed cycle, a miscarriage or whatever) and found my equilibrium, it's been time to face the music again. And whilst in the past I've been ready and rearing (almost desperate) to go after each failure, after the miscarriage things have changed. I'm far less eager to put myself back in the game. And yet I know that there's no time to waste. I can't stop this train now. Or if I did, I mightn't ever get back on it again, I'd lose my nerve. You just got to keep going.

Whilst I've often likened infertility to a roller coaster ride, these days it actually feels more like a brutal boxing match. You get in the ring, give it a shot, get knocked down, get back on your feet again, are just about to get back in the swing of things only to just get knocked back down again.. And every time you fall it seems to hurt that little bit more than it did before. I guess the aim should really be to beat the sh*t out of your opponent (i.e. infertility) but sometimes it just feels like they are way bigger and stronger and better at beating things into pulp than you are. And there only seem to be two ways that this game can go. Either I win by finding the one weak spot in infertility's armour (my silver bullet, to mix some metaphors here), or I get knocked back down enough times to decide that I haven't got it in me to get back on my feet again.. (I know, ever the optimist, I am).

But, for now, I'm back up on my feet. I've got my dainty boxing gloves all laced up again and my shiny satin shorts on.

What's helped me to get here, is that:

a) We've had a lovely holiday to France thanks to our friends who invited us to stay at their place near the sea:

Amazeballs, people. If I could, I would uproot in an instant and go live there. But alas, I don't speak French and there are hardly any jobs there, in the winter, so there's that. But anyway, a holiday was exactly what the doctor ordered and we both feel tons better for it. Thank you V&B!!

b) As well as holidaying, we've done a major clear out in our flat and got rid of a lot of junk (mainly 'faux-antique' furniture which we no longer use, but which we have been holding onto out of sheer stubbornness sentimentality). It was cluttering the 'baby room', which is now almost spacious enough to house a baby, should we be lucky enough to have one, one day.

c) We have also expanded our little family by adopting (and when I say adopting I, of course, mean purchasing from an aquatics shop) two lovely, little non-furbabies. Meet Bubbles & Stretch:

It's hard to tell which is which, I can only tell them apart by their tails..

They are darn cute. They've already learnt how to beg for food with their tiny, big round eyes and by flailing their paws excitedly whenever they see us. I'm learning to recognise my tendencies to be an indulgent and easily swayed parent.. Must do better and not succumb to their cuteness.

We've been desperate for pets for ages, but aren't allowed cats, dogs or any other creatures that might 'damage' the property that we rent. Hence the turtles. They are adorable and tiny and aquarium dwelling, which is perfect. They also come with a high risk of carrying salmonella, which is um.. awkward considering that we're hoping to get pregnant, soon. And if you believe anything written in the interweb about turtles, salmonella is like the WORST THING that you could possibly contract when pregnant. So instead of getting rid of the turtles, like, immediately, as the assvice on most online forums goes, we've opted for the slightly more measured approach (followed by people who actually own turtles), i.e. adopting a hand-washing regime that we follow after handling the turtles or their dwelling. And we'll be mindful of the risk should I get pregnant and should our home one day be inhabited by a small child. No kissing of turtles for our kids..

So for now, I am happy..

..which is nothing short of miraculous considering that I've been sniffing Buserelin for the past two weeks. Truth be told, this time around, hormonally, I have been far worsely (what do you mean that's not a word?!) affected, than I was when we were doing the Buserelin injections. Or maybe now that my work is not a crazy, stressful nightmare I've had more time to be aware of how the hormones are affecting me.. Or maybe I've just got incredibly short memory and it was just as bad last time. Hot flashes, immeasurable sadness, unaccountable rages. You name it, I've felt it. Thankfully, somehow, I've managed to remember that it's just the hormones, stupid. And M's done incredibly well to survive the madness.

So I've done two weeks of Buserelin sniffing (four times a day, no less) and yesterday was officially day #1 of our first FET cycle, when my period finally started four days late. I reduced Buserelin sniffing to mornings and evenings only and started taking 3 Progynova pills in the evenings. This is sooo much easier than IVF. I don't much care for the after-taste of the nasal spray, but I'll take it any day if it spares me from needles.

I'm having a scan on 15th October and hopefully, all being well, our transfer will take place a few days after that.

I can't believe this is happening again. Someone get my mouthguard already.